My Collie, My Kid

This was originally posted at www.ourdogsonline.com - a wonderful online resource that I encourage everyone to check out.

...I think Bug and Havana are psychically linked. And not in a good "Go save Timmy, Lassie!" way.

I sat through a painful ballet class with Bug. Her inner collie was hanging out for all the world to see.
-Initially so excited she couldn't shut up. (Bark much?)
-Had to tell everyone, including the instructors, what to do. (Round 'em up and herd 'em.)
-Did all the exercises her way.
-Was so busy being nosy that she missed instructions.
-Instinctively tried to comfort a frustrated little girl. (Collie empathy)
-Became bored with repetition for exercises she found useless and shut down.

Bug and Havana also:
-play beautifully with pretty much all other playmates, but will stand up for themselves
-need a good amount of physical and mental activity
-can be good at entertaining themselves
-talk. Constantly.
-are scary smart sometimes, but only show it when they feel like it.
-can do just about anything if shown the right way to do it in the right way.
-are very social.


I found myself treating Bug like Havana during class. I started with giving subtle signs, then I gave her a good scolding followed by explaining how to behave and marking good behavior. (Yes, I'm the dorky mom giving her kid thumbs up throughout class!) I even turned my head away from her when she was paying attention to me instead of her "handler". I found this really funny...when I didn't want to throttle my kid!

Trying to decide what dog to get for Sprout and then Wiggle to connect to. Something smart, obedient, but quiet...

New Policy on Comments

I am pretty new to the whole blogging thing, so I'm not entirely sure how to handle comments. I love that people are reading my blog (and maybe I'll make that effort to keep up with it better!). On the other hand, I'm embarrassingly American - I am only fluent in reading and writing English. Some days even that's questionable. So I have decided that I will only consider approving comments that are written in English, since that is the language of this blog. I am thrilled that people in other countries are reading what I have to say and commenting, but I'd love to be able to understand you, so please since you are reading this in English, respond in kind.

Thanks!

Accepting What Is

I greatly dislike puppies. Don't get me wrong, they are adorable and fun...when they belong to someone else. I love teaching puppy class because for one hour a week I can be surrounded by puppies and then they all go home to poop on someone else's floor and chew on someone else's stuff. I think I've mentioned before that I really like adolescent dogs because they're learning sponges with bladders that are good for at least a couple of hours and they can sleep through the night.

Part of my feeling comes from the fact Cousteau was such an awful puppy. Peeing, pooping, biting, chewing, barking, exploring all the wrong things, etc. But the light at the end of my dark, dark puppy tunnel was that every 4 weeks or so he would magically stop a bad habit. I came to revel in these milestones and looked forward to him getting older. Havana was a much better puppy, but I still enjoyed watching her get older and older, approaching the 12 month mark where she'd finally be "fun". (i.e. able to compete in flyball, do more in agility, go running, be old enough to be spayed, etc.) I had occasional pangs of the lost puppy, but otherwise I pretty much celebrated.

My feelings about human babies are completely the opposite. I would keep having human babies from now until I was no longer able to, if only my pregnancies were easier and my husband would agree. I rejoice in every new trick and milestone, but at the same time my heart tears a little because that means my baby is getting older and farther away from being my baby.

When Cousteau lost his first baby tooth, I partied like it was 1999. (Oh wait, it was...) He'd still probably mouth me too hard, but at least his new teeth wouldn't have that sharp point anymore. Sprout popped her first tooth and I mourned the loss her perfect, pink shiny gums. Yes, it means that she's ready for a wider variety of solid food, which means that she's no longer as dependent on me, but she's no longer so dependent on me. (Ambivalent much?)

In my quest to hold on to every little baby moment first Bug and now Sprout have had, I realize that I'm missing out on some of the joys of parenting. That's when I started to see the huge contrast between my feelings on puppies and on infants. And then it hit me - I need to see these changes (and we know I don't like change) in the same light for both puppies and babies. It is important for me to have big 1999-like celebrations for the every day little things my daughters grow up to do. Mourning yesterday isn't going to bring it back, but it will stop me from fully enjoying today.

Bring on those new sizes of clothing! On with the progression of vegetables and fruits! Let's hear it for sitting up and scooting! Ok, it's going to take some work, but at least now I have a model to follow.

And while I work on appreciating my babies' race through childhood, I find myself remembering the good things about Cousteau and Havana's puppyhoods like never before. I'll never love the fact that babies don't stay babies nearly long enough or that puppies are pooping, biting, chewing machines, but I have more balance now. And balance is good.

Busy Little Bees

It's been a good 9 months since my last post. Pregnancy, childbirth, and newborn/pre-schooler rearing will do that to a gal. Now that life has returned to it's new normal, at least for a little bit, I hope to be better about posting.

I added Havana, my now 3 year old smooth collie, to my life knowing that she was a working dog who needed a job. I figured that wouldn't be a problem. (Oh how very, very naive we can be!) I fully planned on working her a lot on sheep these past few months, but, well, I haven't.

Last Wednesday the stars finally aligned and I was able to get to Portage to work sheep. Havana was understandably excited. A car ride, time alone with me, and SHEEP! What more could she ask for?

She worked amazingly well - I was so proud of her. Since she's shamefully out of shape (not unlike her owner), she needed frequent rests. The first two times she did a beautiful job getting the sheep out of the corner and bringing them to me. The last time she was all geared up and didn't want to stop when I made her take a break. I debated ending the lesson there, but she was whining and begging to go to the sheep, so John and I decided she would be fine.

She would have been fine had I used an ounce of brain power. Just because she'd calmly worked the sheep before didn't mean she'd do it again. I let her take off all the way across the field and by the time she got to the sheep she wasn't thinking about herding, she was just plain bowling. After I got her downed, freed a sheep's head from the fence (Havana didn't cause her to run into it, she was eating through the fence and couldn't get out), and the sheep grouped up again I thought about what I could have done differently. I called out to John "I guess I should have been between her and the sheep, huh?" He stopped laughing long enough to agree with me. Since Havana was so amped up I made sure to down her frequently both to keep her under control and to give her and I a chance to plan our next move. The lesson didn't end quite as well as it began, but it was better than that little part in the middle.

While DH and I joke that dealing with our kids is like herding cats, maintaining a calm Bug and keeping Havana from bowling sheep isn't so different. I need to have a thought out plan and know what I'm doing before I get there. This could explain why I often have scattered sheep and a wild child.

For example, I recently co-hosted a wedding shower at my house. I knew Bug would be excited - the guests were pretty much all her favorite people. My only thought was that she not steal the spotlight from the bride and drive everyone nuts. I didn't actually think about *how* that was going to be accomplished. The more excited and worked up she got, the more tense and stressed I got.

After growling several warnings in Bug's direction, I finally remembered what I've slowly been learning in the pasture. Yelling and threats don't work - they pretty much only show that I've already lost control. So I did what I do after I've lost control in the pasture. I took a deep breath, assessed the situation, removed the subject (i.e. Bug) from the situation, then redirected her.

I picked Bug up off the gift table where she was trying to rip open the bride's gifts for her. In another room I quietly told her that she was having a hard time letting this be the bride's day (we spent a lot of time talking about that beforehand) and what would she like to do instead of watching the gift opening, since that wasn't very interesting for her. She gave it some careful and deliberate thought and decided that she would like to play a computer game. My computer is set up so she could still see the guests and sort of be a part of things, but be focused on something more appropriate to her level. The rest of the shower was wonderfully relaxing for me.

With that event in mind I carefully packed a bag for the wedding. In addition to a change of underwear, extra tights, a sweater, and pajamas, I also packed some of Bug's favorite books, a Magnadoodle, a coloring book, and a card game. I let her know that we had these special things and if she needed a break or some special attention from someone to let me know and we could help her out. It worked amazingly well. (Well, that and having my family around to dote on her during the reception.)

Taking the time to carefully plan activities and alternatives is time consuming and tiring, but so is having an out of control child or dog. And I figure in time it will get easier to be one step ahead of both the dog and the child. At least until the next bend in the road...

Playtime Gals!

The cairn terrier I had growing up never really had a chance to be around other dogs. She was friendly enough, but my family just never knew other dogs to put her with. Cousteau liked to play with other dogs when he was younger, but he was never really appropriate with them. His misread or ignored other dogs' signals and was generally more of a pain in the butt than a good playmate. I attribute this partly to being a Lab and partly because he was separated from his mother, and primary dog-language instructor, when he was only 5 weeks old and really needing those lessons. Then there was Beamish, who loved to play but was fear aggressive toward other dogs and would start fights as often as he'd have a nice play session.

Imagine my joy to now have Havana, my playtime queen. As a dog trainer, few things make me happier than seeing a group of dogs playing nicely together. Many dogs seem to have a favorite game and gravitate toward other dogs who will play that game with them. Not Havana. She just wants to play and will do whatever the other dog wants to do. Cousteau wants to play tug? She'll tug like mad. JJ wants to be chased? Havana chases. Toby wants to play bitey face? Then bitey face it is! She respects most signals from other dogs and is appropriate in correcting dogs who go too far with her. She may snap or growl, but as long as the dog backs off it doesn't go farther than that. I compare this to someone saying "Hey! Back off!" or "Let's tone it down a bit."

Collies happen to have a pretty innate sense of rules (as they see them) and since they were bred to read sheep to be able to herd them, I think they're a bit more in tune to the body language of other dogs as well. Also in Havana's favor is that she was allowed to be with her mother and litter mates until she was 9 weeks old. She also had a couple of other dogs in the house to play with. The breeder knows what appropriate play looks like and was able to intervene when necessary, but typically it was mom who gave necessary corrections. If I ever buy another puppy from a breeder, it will be a puppy who has been with litter mates and a mother, or mother figure, until I pick it up.

Bug, while not quite as versatile as Havana, was my little two-legged collie this weekend at a party we hosted. I wasn't sure how she would feel about a bunch of kids being in her house, playing with her toys, and in some cases, taking her mama's attention. She did really well. We set up things as best we could by telling her she could pick 3 toys to put up and away, but everything else, with the exclusion of her lovey, Geti, was fair game for others to play with.

Usually Bug is surrounded by adults who are willing to cater to whatever game she wants to play. She doesn't always like kids because they aren't as easy to direct, but for a good 5 hours she was constantly playing and on the go. She played store, playhouse, cars, tag, ball, and who knows what all else. She sure wasn't coming to me for ideas! She followed along with what the other children thought up and added her own flair. But she also was willing to lead younger or quieter children. She played "go up and down stairs" with a 2 year old for several minutes, until the 2 year old got her confidence and could do it by herself.

In some ways, introducing children to appropriate play is a bit like socializing puppies. There does need to be an enforcing figure to make sure nothing goes too horribly wrong and you want to make sure that the play group is made up of children who have somewhat similar play styles. (Putting the rough and tumble ball crazy child with the shy, quiet doll lover can eventually result in good play, but it will take some more patience than just putting the kid who loves tag with the kid who loves balls and the doll lover with a child who enjoys dress up.)

You also need to teach children approrpiate language and coping strategies to deal with play they don't like. Giving them specific words and telling them it is ok to get up and walk away to do something else can be very helpful and empowering to a child. Of course, the child also needs to respect a playmate who uses similar words and strategies.

I'm not so naive as to think that Bug is now a super-play wizard and will be a welcomed asset to any play group a child begged to come to everyone's house because she's so wonderful. And I know full well that not every play interaction will be as positive as last weekend's was. But I was glad to see that my child does have the social skills to have fun in an environment with many children - and without coming running to me to tattle over every little thing!

I wish I could take all the credit for this weekend's sucess, but I can't. I'm proud of the groundwork I laid, but I think the work Bug's preschool teachers have done has really helped her to understand and accept play with other children. I'm very, very glad that I listened to my gut (and my wallet, but mostly my gut) and sent Bug to a preschool that emphasizes social skills over academics. She'll still be ready for kindergarten and by being exposed to early language and math skills, but she's being exposed in such a way that she has to interact with other children during that exposure.

I can take some credit for Havana's play successes. Her breeder and genetics set her up very well for success, but I've made sure that she has appropriate playmates and that she stays appropriate in play, even if the other dog doesn't say anything.

Could both of my playtime gals have been successful without much input from me? Possibly. Probably. Goodness knows there are children and dogs who have had every disadvantage that still do very well socially. But I feel better knowing that I've done what I can to foster good social skills and at least for now, they have been paying off.

(Now I just hope and pray that I don't get a call from the preschool today asking me to pick up Bug after she started a huge fight...)