The cairn terrier I had growing up never really had a chance to be around other dogs. She was friendly enough, but my family just never knew other dogs to put her with. Cousteau liked to play with other dogs when he was younger, but he was never really appropriate with them. His misread or ignored other dogs' signals and was generally more of a pain in the butt than a good playmate. I attribute this partly to being a Lab and partly because he was separated from his mother, and primary dog-language instructor, when he was only 5 weeks old and really needing those lessons. Then there was Beamish, who loved to play but was fear aggressive toward other dogs and would start fights as often as he'd have a nice play session.
Imagine my joy to now have Havana, my playtime queen. As a dog trainer, few things make me happier than seeing a group of dogs playing nicely together. Many dogs seem to have a favorite game and gravitate toward other dogs who will play that game with them. Not Havana. She just wants to play and will do whatever the other dog wants to do. Cousteau wants to play tug? She'll tug like mad. JJ wants to be chased? Havana chases. Toby wants to play bitey face? Then bitey face it is! She respects most signals from other dogs and is appropriate in correcting dogs who go too far with her. She may snap or growl, but as long as the dog backs off it doesn't go farther than that. I compare this to someone saying "Hey! Back off!" or "Let's tone it down a bit."
Collies happen to have a pretty innate sense of rules (as they see them) and since they were bred to read sheep to be able to herd them, I think they're a bit more in tune to the body language of other dogs as well. Also in Havana's favor is that she was allowed to be with her mother and litter mates until she was 9 weeks old. She also had a couple of other dogs in the house to play with. The breeder knows what appropriate play looks like and was able to intervene when necessary, but typically it was mom who gave necessary corrections. If I ever buy another puppy from a breeder, it will be a puppy who has been with litter mates and a mother, or mother figure, until I pick it up.
Bug, while not quite as versatile as Havana, was my little two-legged collie this weekend at a party we hosted. I wasn't sure how she would feel about a bunch of kids being in her house, playing with her toys, and in some cases, taking her mama's attention. She did really well. We set up things as best we could by telling her she could pick 3 toys to put up and away, but everything else, with the exclusion of her lovey, Geti, was fair game for others to play with.
Usually Bug is surrounded by adults who are willing to cater to whatever game she wants to play. She doesn't always like kids because they aren't as easy to direct, but for a good 5 hours she was constantly playing and on the go. She played store, playhouse, cars, tag, ball, and who knows what all else. She sure wasn't coming to me for ideas! She followed along with what the other children thought up and added her own flair. But she also was willing to lead younger or quieter children. She played "go up and down stairs" with a 2 year old for several minutes, until the 2 year old got her confidence and could do it by herself.
In some ways, introducing children to appropriate play is a bit like socializing puppies. There does need to be an enforcing figure to make sure nothing goes too horribly wrong and you want to make sure that the play group is made up of children who have somewhat similar play styles. (Putting the rough and tumble ball crazy child with the shy, quiet doll lover can eventually result in good play, but it will take some more patience than just putting the kid who loves tag with the kid who loves balls and the doll lover with a child who enjoys dress up.)
You also need to teach children approrpiate language and coping strategies to deal with play they don't like. Giving them specific words and telling them it is ok to get up and walk away to do something else can be very helpful and empowering to a child. Of course, the child also needs to respect a playmate who uses similar words and strategies.
I'm not so naive as to think that Bug is now a super-play wizard and will be a welcomed asset to any play group a child begged to come to everyone's house because she's so wonderful. And I know full well that not every play interaction will be as positive as last weekend's was. But I was glad to see that my child does have the social skills to have fun in an environment with many children - and without coming running to me to tattle over every little thing!
I wish I could take all the credit for this weekend's sucess, but I can't. I'm proud of the groundwork I laid, but I think the work Bug's preschool teachers have done has really helped her to understand and accept play with other children. I'm very, very glad that I listened to my gut (and my wallet, but mostly my gut) and sent Bug to a preschool that emphasizes social skills over academics. She'll still be ready for kindergarten and by being exposed to early language and math skills, but she's being exposed in such a way that she has to interact with other children during that exposure.
I can take some credit for Havana's play successes. Her breeder and genetics set her up very well for success, but I've made sure that she has appropriate playmates and that she stays appropriate in play, even if the other dog doesn't say anything.
Could both of my playtime gals have been successful without much input from me? Possibly. Probably. Goodness knows there are children and dogs who have had every disadvantage that still do very well socially. But I feel better knowing that I've done what I can to foster good social skills and at least for now, they have been paying off.
(Now I just hope and pray that I don't get a call from the preschool today asking me to pick up Bug after she started a huge fight...)
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Work Smarter, Not Harder
I have an interesting puppy class this session. Out of 10 dogs, all but one is a sporting/gun dog and the one that isn't is a standard poodle mix, so I figure that's about the same thing. Can you imagine the energy level of even 8 of these puppies in one room?! Oh, did I mention that at least 3 of them have a future in field work.
Don't get me wrong, the puppies are great and the owners are committed. When they are focused on training the room is eerily quiet and the attention is amazing. However, a very important part of puppy socialization class is allowing the puppies to play in safe, managed play groups. The first night way chaos! Puppies careened all over our 60x40 classroom. No one could catch their puppies, the arousal level went over the top (both the puppies' and mine), and it was just a free-for-all. Basically everything I cringe to think about in a puppy play session.
I wasn't going to scrub the playtime. For one thing it's important. For another, I think the puppy owners would lynch me. :) So my fearless co-instructor and I did some strategizing.
The next week we had three play areas. A small pen for the smallest sized pups, a large area for the shy pups, and a much smaller area - probably about 25x10 area - for the wild puppies. When I explained the new play areas the people with the more exuberant dogs looked at me like I was insane. Why give the most active dogs the smaller space?
The owners soon saw the method to my madness. With the more confined space it was much easier to catch puppies to interrupt inappropriate play. We also added many more breaks in the play to keep arousal levels down and it was much easier on the owners to collect their pups during breaks. Pups were also encouraged to wrestle and play-fight since there wasn't as much room to perform out-of-control zoomies. Play was much more appropriate and I think all of the pups had a lot more fun. I know the instructors did!
I realized that in a sense I've been doing the same thing with Bug. We've been having nap and bed time issues so as soon as we get to her room, I close the door so it isn't as easy for her to have access to the whole house. (She's fast, but I'm especially slow now that I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant!) From there we can get settled more easily. We're also struggling getting dressed and fixing hair, so again, before I even mention what we're doing, I make sure we're in a room with a door that closes. Just the symbolism of the door seems to help her understand that we're settling and doing whatever it is that needs to be done. As soon as the task is done, the door is ceremoniously flung open and the world is her oyster once again. :)
Since I've been consciously confining ourselves these events have been less hectic. If I let her play and get involved in something first it's much harder to get her to change gears even for a moment, especially if she can see ALL the things in the house she'd rather be doing. The smaller area lets her focus a bit more. And I can catch her when she takes off naked.
I guess what it comes down to is that I've spent a lot of time establishing behavioral boundaries in both dogs and my daughter, but I never thought about the advantages of physical boundaries as well. Not that little ones should be in small spaces all the time, but if you are trying to get something specific done it can help with focus and also with some anxiety, depending on what you are trying to do.
Don't get me wrong, the puppies are great and the owners are committed. When they are focused on training the room is eerily quiet and the attention is amazing. However, a very important part of puppy socialization class is allowing the puppies to play in safe, managed play groups. The first night way chaos! Puppies careened all over our 60x40 classroom. No one could catch their puppies, the arousal level went over the top (both the puppies' and mine), and it was just a free-for-all. Basically everything I cringe to think about in a puppy play session.
I wasn't going to scrub the playtime. For one thing it's important. For another, I think the puppy owners would lynch me. :) So my fearless co-instructor and I did some strategizing.
The next week we had three play areas. A small pen for the smallest sized pups, a large area for the shy pups, and a much smaller area - probably about 25x10 area - for the wild puppies. When I explained the new play areas the people with the more exuberant dogs looked at me like I was insane. Why give the most active dogs the smaller space?
The owners soon saw the method to my madness. With the more confined space it was much easier to catch puppies to interrupt inappropriate play. We also added many more breaks in the play to keep arousal levels down and it was much easier on the owners to collect their pups during breaks. Pups were also encouraged to wrestle and play-fight since there wasn't as much room to perform out-of-control zoomies. Play was much more appropriate and I think all of the pups had a lot more fun. I know the instructors did!
I realized that in a sense I've been doing the same thing with Bug. We've been having nap and bed time issues so as soon as we get to her room, I close the door so it isn't as easy for her to have access to the whole house. (She's fast, but I'm especially slow now that I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant!) From there we can get settled more easily. We're also struggling getting dressed and fixing hair, so again, before I even mention what we're doing, I make sure we're in a room with a door that closes. Just the symbolism of the door seems to help her understand that we're settling and doing whatever it is that needs to be done. As soon as the task is done, the door is ceremoniously flung open and the world is her oyster once again. :)
Since I've been consciously confining ourselves these events have been less hectic. If I let her play and get involved in something first it's much harder to get her to change gears even for a moment, especially if she can see ALL the things in the house she'd rather be doing. The smaller area lets her focus a bit more. And I can catch her when she takes off naked.
I guess what it comes down to is that I've spent a lot of time establishing behavioral boundaries in both dogs and my daughter, but I never thought about the advantages of physical boundaries as well. Not that little ones should be in small spaces all the time, but if you are trying to get something specific done it can help with focus and also with some anxiety, depending on what you are trying to do.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
You (don't) gotta fight, for the right....
In my puppy classes I teach the humans that they have the right to control who interacts with their dogs and how they do it. They need to realize that their puppies rely on them and if they think the puppy will be overwhelmed by a person or situation it is their responsibility to help the puppy through it and get the heck out. One of the most common, and potentially most damaging, situations is when children swarm a puppy and love on it without asking. I tell people they are within their rights to step in front of their dog, tell the children to slow down or back off, and refuse them the privilege of petting the dog if the children can't or won't follow instructions. How nice they are about it is up to them. :) There are just too many dogs in the world who are skittish around children because of a bad experience during an impressionable time and that makes life so much more difficult for the dog and its owner. There are many other examples of times that owners can and should step in to control a situation with their dog as well, and no one should feel guilty about doing it, regardless of the response of other people. Maybe that makes you the crazy dog lady/guy, but hey they don't have to live with your dog - you do. You need to do what you feel is right for you and your dog.
Parents also have the right to insist that certain behavior is or is not allowed around their child. If you feel strongly that TV time should be restricted, then the babysitter that you pay should not allow unrestricted access. If you feel that adults should be referred to as Mr. or Ms So&So, then it's ok for the child to not use the adult's first name even if invited. And if you feel that racist or denigrating comments should not be used around an impressionable child (who likes to do impressions), then it is completely within your right to request that those comments not be said in front of the child. You may be accused of being over protective or overly sensitive in these situations, but ultimately, YOU are the parent. You make the decisions.
Puppies and babies don't come with owner's manuals. As the ones responsible for these lives all we can do is the best we can. We do what we feel is right and it is our right, as the responsible party, to insist that certain reasonable behaviors be followed in our homes or with our vulnerable responsibilities. And there is no reason to feel guilty about it.
Parents also have the right to insist that certain behavior is or is not allowed around their child. If you feel strongly that TV time should be restricted, then the babysitter that you pay should not allow unrestricted access. If you feel that adults should be referred to as Mr. or Ms So&So, then it's ok for the child to not use the adult's first name even if invited. And if you feel that racist or denigrating comments should not be used around an impressionable child (who likes to do impressions), then it is completely within your right to request that those comments not be said in front of the child. You may be accused of being over protective or overly sensitive in these situations, but ultimately, YOU are the parent. You make the decisions.
Puppies and babies don't come with owner's manuals. As the ones responsible for these lives all we can do is the best we can. We do what we feel is right and it is our right, as the responsible party, to insist that certain reasonable behaviors be followed in our homes or with our vulnerable responsibilities. And there is no reason to feel guilty about it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Competitive Notions
Bug recently celebrated her third birthday. She was fortunate to get many wonderful gifts, including Hi-Ho Cherry Oh and Go Fish. Bug loves playing these games - probably because she gets the adult's undivided attention while we play.
I am not a fan of a society who protects our children from competition. I feel that propping kids up by not keeping score at their sporting events, eliminating grades from grade school, or telling them they're doing a great job when they're not is just setting them up for frustration, confusion, and failure when they get older. Because believe it or not, life is competitive. Harvard isn't going to let Junior in just because Mommy said Cs were ok even though the kid was slacking. The boss isn't going to hire all 12 applicants for one job simply to make sure no one's feelings are hurt. A store owner or manager who can't run the store in the black isn't going to be allowed to keep "playing" because she wants to. I'm not saying we should turn play groups into mini Olympic-style competitions or that children should have to interview to get into preschool, but I do believe that competition should be introduced at developmentally appropriate levels so children learn how to deal with success and failures in a safe, protected environment before they are adults and on their own.
But, back to HiHo Cherry Oh and Go Fish. My husband and I have decided to play these games according to the traditional rules, which means that there is one winner at the end. I may make some choices to let my daughter have a bit of an advantage, but I refuse to throw the game just so she could win. I did consider it at one time and then she beat the pants off me three times in a row and I decided it was insulting to her to underestimate what she could do.
However, what I do find myself doing is to make light of the times when one of us has a run of bad luck or looses the game. In Hi Ho Cherry Oh if the spinner lands on the over turned basket you have to put all of the cherries back on the tree. When this happens to me I respond with a "Oh boy, look at that! I have to start over" and start over in a matter of fact way. Or I make a very dramatic "Urgggggghhhh!" and goofy face which is guaranteed to make Bug laugh. When Bug has to start over I try to be just as fun. We count the cherries going back (counting is tons of fun for this kid) or I point out that we'll be able to play longer now. Basically we look for the positive. And sometimes we keep playing even after one of us has won. I will point out that one of us has won, but we can keep going if she'd like to, or we can start a new game.
I realized as Bug cheerfully continued on from a set back in her game that I really should practice what I preach. Oh sure, when I'm with Bug I take my set backs in good humor, but when I compete with my dogs, particularly Cousteau, I let the inevitable set backs take the fun out of working with my friend.
Cousteau loves agility, but I'm terrified to compete with him because I can't handle the thought of not qualifying (aka NQ). Everyone I know who competes has NQs - it goes with the territory. The last agility trial I watched I paid close attention to the NQs. Most people came off the course with good grace even after knowing they or their dog made a mistake. I often heard people say "Well, the teeter went really well" or "He knocked the bar, but at least he took the jump. That's progress!" I admire that so greatly and it's something I can do when watching other people, I just can't do it for myself. But, I never realized that until playing a child's game.
So what can I do? The issue isn't with my child or with my dogs, but with myself. I guess I can look at it as I do any training problem, only the trainee is myself. I need to set myself up for success by doing more run thrus where the final score doesn't matter, but running a new course well does. I need to click and treat myself for the good things I do on the course and point out 3 things that went well at the end of a run, even if it was pretty ugly overall. I need to take the pressure off my dog, who honestly just does what I tell him to do, even if I don't realize it, and look to myself for changes. Basically, I CAN'T BLAME THE DOG. Boy, does that stink! Something will actually be MY fault and I'll have to do something to change it. That will take some getting used to.
Let's see if this dog trainer can let her dogs and child teach her something instead of the other way around...
I am not a fan of a society who protects our children from competition. I feel that propping kids up by not keeping score at their sporting events, eliminating grades from grade school, or telling them they're doing a great job when they're not is just setting them up for frustration, confusion, and failure when they get older. Because believe it or not, life is competitive. Harvard isn't going to let Junior in just because Mommy said Cs were ok even though the kid was slacking. The boss isn't going to hire all 12 applicants for one job simply to make sure no one's feelings are hurt. A store owner or manager who can't run the store in the black isn't going to be allowed to keep "playing" because she wants to. I'm not saying we should turn play groups into mini Olympic-style competitions or that children should have to interview to get into preschool, but I do believe that competition should be introduced at developmentally appropriate levels so children learn how to deal with success and failures in a safe, protected environment before they are adults and on their own.
But, back to HiHo Cherry Oh and Go Fish. My husband and I have decided to play these games according to the traditional rules, which means that there is one winner at the end. I may make some choices to let my daughter have a bit of an advantage, but I refuse to throw the game just so she could win. I did consider it at one time and then she beat the pants off me three times in a row and I decided it was insulting to her to underestimate what she could do.
However, what I do find myself doing is to make light of the times when one of us has a run of bad luck or looses the game. In Hi Ho Cherry Oh if the spinner lands on the over turned basket you have to put all of the cherries back on the tree. When this happens to me I respond with a "Oh boy, look at that! I have to start over" and start over in a matter of fact way. Or I make a very dramatic "Urgggggghhhh!" and goofy face which is guaranteed to make Bug laugh. When Bug has to start over I try to be just as fun. We count the cherries going back (counting is tons of fun for this kid) or I point out that we'll be able to play longer now. Basically we look for the positive. And sometimes we keep playing even after one of us has won. I will point out that one of us has won, but we can keep going if she'd like to, or we can start a new game.
I realized as Bug cheerfully continued on from a set back in her game that I really should practice what I preach. Oh sure, when I'm with Bug I take my set backs in good humor, but when I compete with my dogs, particularly Cousteau, I let the inevitable set backs take the fun out of working with my friend.
Cousteau loves agility, but I'm terrified to compete with him because I can't handle the thought of not qualifying (aka NQ). Everyone I know who competes has NQs - it goes with the territory. The last agility trial I watched I paid close attention to the NQs. Most people came off the course with good grace even after knowing they or their dog made a mistake. I often heard people say "Well, the teeter went really well" or "He knocked the bar, but at least he took the jump. That's progress!" I admire that so greatly and it's something I can do when watching other people, I just can't do it for myself. But, I never realized that until playing a child's game.
So what can I do? The issue isn't with my child or with my dogs, but with myself. I guess I can look at it as I do any training problem, only the trainee is myself. I need to set myself up for success by doing more run thrus where the final score doesn't matter, but running a new course well does. I need to click and treat myself for the good things I do on the course and point out 3 things that went well at the end of a run, even if it was pretty ugly overall. I need to take the pressure off my dog, who honestly just does what I tell him to do, even if I don't realize it, and look to myself for changes. Basically, I CAN'T BLAME THE DOG. Boy, does that stink! Something will actually be MY fault and I'll have to do something to change it. That will take some getting used to.
Let's see if this dog trainer can let her dogs and child teach her something instead of the other way around...
They are what they are...
It's been quite a while since my last post - roughly 3.5 months. I've had the will, but not the energy to post since I found out I was pregnant a few days after the last time I was here. This is wonderful news - we're very excited, but I've also been pretty sick and miserable for 3.5 months. :P But this brings me to the point of this post - kids and dogs are what they are.
I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with Bug clutching the toilet on my birthday. I didn't vomit often with her, but my birthday was an exception. As I'm retching and wishing it was July already and my baby was in my arms, Cousteau came into the bathroom and pushed himself against me. I thought to myself "Oh, how sweet. He wants to comfort me!" Then I retched again and he stuck his head through my legs to try to drink out of the toilet. It wasn't the chance to offer comfort but the chance to score birthday cake, one way or another, that led him to the bathroom.
Fast forward to this week. I'm driving along the highway hoping against all hope that the Chinese food which sounded so good 10 minutes before would finally settle my queasy stomach. It didn't. Instead I started vomiting at 60 mph. I won't go into details, but it was nasty. Thankfully Bug was with my Mom so she didn't have to witness my distress, but I did call my mom to get some sympathy once I was home and all cleaned up. Bug wanted to talk and she very sweetly said "How are you feeling, Mama?" I went on to tell her that I wasn't feeling well, that I got sick in the car and my tummy hurt. Her response? "Oh, well we're going to have a picnic on the beach. Bye Ma..." and she tossed the phone back to my mom. Mama being sick really didn't have any impact on her at the moment since she had Nana to play with.
The point - while some times there are stories of amazing empathy from children or dogs, ultimately they are selfish creatures. This doesn't make them bad or amoral, it simply makes them kids and dogs. Being self-centered is what has gotten them through the ages. With children we do what we can to teach them to think of others which in turn may just help the human race survive a little longer or at least better. Dogs aren't humans. They are dogs and what serves them best is to think "What's in it for me?" Don't get me wrong, there are some dogs who do seem to have an amazing empathetic link to people, like Greyfriar's Bobby who visited his master's grave every day for years until he himself died. But those dogs are the exception to the rule. The rest of us have wonderful companions that are bonded to us, but ultimately are concerned about themselves. Actually, they're not so different from people after all...
I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with Bug clutching the toilet on my birthday. I didn't vomit often with her, but my birthday was an exception. As I'm retching and wishing it was July already and my baby was in my arms, Cousteau came into the bathroom and pushed himself against me. I thought to myself "Oh, how sweet. He wants to comfort me!" Then I retched again and he stuck his head through my legs to try to drink out of the toilet. It wasn't the chance to offer comfort but the chance to score birthday cake, one way or another, that led him to the bathroom.
Fast forward to this week. I'm driving along the highway hoping against all hope that the Chinese food which sounded so good 10 minutes before would finally settle my queasy stomach. It didn't. Instead I started vomiting at 60 mph. I won't go into details, but it was nasty. Thankfully Bug was with my Mom so she didn't have to witness my distress, but I did call my mom to get some sympathy once I was home and all cleaned up. Bug wanted to talk and she very sweetly said "How are you feeling, Mama?" I went on to tell her that I wasn't feeling well, that I got sick in the car and my tummy hurt. Her response? "Oh, well we're going to have a picnic on the beach. Bye Ma..." and she tossed the phone back to my mom. Mama being sick really didn't have any impact on her at the moment since she had Nana to play with.
The point - while some times there are stories of amazing empathy from children or dogs, ultimately they are selfish creatures. This doesn't make them bad or amoral, it simply makes them kids and dogs. Being self-centered is what has gotten them through the ages. With children we do what we can to teach them to think of others which in turn may just help the human race survive a little longer or at least better. Dogs aren't humans. They are dogs and what serves them best is to think "What's in it for me?" Don't get me wrong, there are some dogs who do seem to have an amazing empathetic link to people, like Greyfriar's Bobby who visited his master's grave every day for years until he himself died. But those dogs are the exception to the rule. The rest of us have wonderful companions that are bonded to us, but ultimately are concerned about themselves. Actually, they're not so different from people after all...
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